Kindergarten

It was sticky and humid. His clothes were already sticking to his body and sweat was running down his forehead. The oppressive heat coupled with the extreme humidity was getting to him. Jonah wiped the water from his face and stopped for a moment to take a breath. Maybe it hadn't been a good idea to pack two grams in the joint after all.

Gasping, he made his way along a stone slab path, right through the jungle. Vines grew from above, to his sides he saw bushes and ferns all around. Further down on the ground, colorful exotic flowers sprouted, attracting butterflies and insects with their sweet scent. Above him he heard the singing of birds in many pitches and around him the loud chirping of cicadas, monotonous and steady.

The walk and the temperatures were exhausting, but this environment was clearly worth it. Fascinated by all the colorful flowers and insects, Jonah strolled along the path a little more until he came to some large trees. In front of one of these trees was a simple white bench. The back of the bench ended at a patch of overgrown ivy on the tree, inviting the visitor to take a break.

Exhausted, he settled down on it and leaned back against the backrest and the large tree behind him. It was much more comfortable in the shade of the tree. Sighing, he closed his eyes for a moment. Then he heard a woman's voice calling in the distance. He couldn't make out what she was saying, but she was getting louder and louder. Finally Jonah startled upwards and abruptly opened his eyes.

"Did you really just fall asleep?" He heard his girlfriend's voice. Eve came running up to him, smiling, and seemed deliciously amused by his spontaneous nap.

"No, no, I was just resting my eyes for a moment," Jonah said, just barely managing to hold back a hearty yawn. You could still clearly see his tiredness in his deep circles under his eyes and his sleepy look. But half of both had to do with his current condition.

Eve now stood directly in front of him and stroked his head. "Silly boy," she laughed heartily, "just napping here in the tropical house. So, I'm going to make a quick run for little girls and then I'll bring us something to drink." She patted his cheek and kissed him on the forehead. "And make sure you don't start snoring. You'll scare the other visitors." Giggling, she spun around and after a short while disappeared back into the labyrinthine, man-made jungle.

Jonah leaned back against the tree trunk and tried to keep his eyes open. But after only a few seconds, an indescribably strong tiredness overcame him again. His eyelids dropped like broken shutters, his head tipped backwards and came to rest gently on the lichen-covered piece of bark.

When he opened his eyes again with difficulty, he was still in the same place as before. But it had already become much darker. Only a pale violet-blue light illuminated his surroundings a little.

Had night fallen and Eve had simply forgotten him in the tropical house? No, that could not be.

He rather suspected Mr. Haze again behind these circumstances.

From the distance behind the dense green jungle, he could already hear his resounding laughter. But there were two more voices. Rough and thunderous, their laughter echoed through the thicket.

Curious, Jonah got up from his seat and walked in the direction of the voices. Among the long ferns, leaves and bushes he discovered a narrow, roughly paved path. The light also seemed to come from this direction. Bravely, he walked along the path, deep into the violet-green sea of plants.

"And he says, 'I'm hardened, your stuff doesn't knock me out'. Twenty four seconds later, he's lying flat on the ground sleeping!" Mr. Haze slapped his thigh in amusement.

"Yeah, nice, you're still the best." Jonah heard one of the other voices. "Yeah man, Mr. Haze knows how to Amaze. He's got the rad shit, hahaha!" the second unfamiliar voice joined in.

Jonah leaned forward and pushed the leaves and branches aside. He accidentally snapped one of the twigs and a loud crack drowned out the cheerful laughter of the trio.

"Who's there?! Come out and show yourself, yeah!" Jonah heard one of the strange voices shout. "Yeah man, no trespassing!" the other agreed with her.

A loud hiss and clang of metal shot towards him. With a flick, the thicket was torn apart, robbing Jonah of all cover.

Four glowing eyes stared at him. They belonged to two dragon-like heads with long necks, draped in jewelry and gems. On each of their heads was a magnificent crown. But as majestic as their appearance seemed, they scared Jonah to death. Loudly, they clattered their teeth against each other.

"It's alright, dudes. The young man is allowed to be here.

I invited him and as always, you came along, Jonah, my friend." With a broad grin on his cheeks, Mr. Haze Amaze emerged from between the two figures and squeezed their snouts together with his bare hands. "I'm sorry, those two can be really nasty sometimes. Startled like two stupid guard dogs." He released the creatures' mouths and slapped them both on the back of the head so hard their jewelry began to clink.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too." grumbled one of the creatures. "Yeah man, sorry, we didn't mean to scare you man." The dragon heads bowed to the ground in shame. Jonah had fallen to the floor in shock, where he sat even now, looking at the two creatures in disbelief. Then his eyes wandered to Mr. Haze and a certain relief spread through him. If it hadn't been for Mr. Haze, those two would probably have eaten him or torn him apart.

Mr. Haze reached out and picked him up from the damp, warm ground. "These two have been given the task by me to keep out any intruder. Security Guards. Their names are Chi and Cho."

Jonah patted the dirt off his clothes and looked at the two creatures a little closer now. They reminded him of mystical creatures from the Asian region, a humanized form of a dragon, with large snouts, spiky ears and a flowing mane that protruded from under an imposing crown. Their necks, draped with countless chains, were now noticeably shorter and rested on a small stone wall that had been erected around a shallow pool. They seemed to have no bodies, consisting only of necks and heads, stuck in the low wall.

"C'mon, Dude. Sit with us for a minute, we're a bit steamed. Take a deep breath. Boys, you know what to do." Mr. Haze suddenly sat between the two heads on the stone floor in front of the shallow pool. Jonah hadn't even noticed that he had walked past him. He sat down opposite him and felt the cold stones against his palms as he braced himself.

Mr. Haze raised both his arms, in each hand he held a bong with a strange metal attachment instead of a normal glass head. He let them click twice against each other and slowly the light dimmed and became even more colorful. Music sounded from afar, adding a certain mystique to the scene.

Suddenly, Mr. Haze's arms began to shake and twitch. With a loud crack, one arm, then the other, split in two lengthwise. And only a few seconds later, both fractures had fused into a completely new arm. In his two new hands he held another bong with a similar attachment and a blowtorch, the kind used in the kitchen for flambéing. These same two hands sped towards Jonah and stopped just short of his face.

"Try one of these dabs, so yummy!" he heard Mr. Haze call from the other side. Meanwhile, the hand with the blowtorch set about heating the metal attachment on the small bong.

The blue gas flame flickered around the attachment and it gradually changed color from dark iron gray to a glowing red. It must have been several hundred degrees hot already.

Suddenly, another hand appeared from the other side of the pool, holding between its fingers a metal rod the size of a pen, with a viscous yellowish substance stuck to the end. It looked like a portion of honey. But Jonah was more than certain that it could not be honey. He eyed the objects floating in front of him skeptically.

"C'mon, otherwise the nail will cool down. You know Dabbing, don't cha?" Jonah shook his head.

Mr. Haze Amaze laughed out loud and the arms that floated in front of Jonah wiggled up and down. "Okay okay, no problem, Dude. We'll talk about that another time. Just follow my instructions. I'll heat the metal part, you hang on to the bong and just pull it. Then I'll dab the dab, you inhale the stuff and that's it. It will be fun, trust me."

Again, the blowtorch circled the small metal head on the bong in front of him until it began to glow. "Now we wait ten seconds, otherwise the nail will be too hot." He heard Mr. Haze say as the blowtorch went out. "Three, two, one. Okay now go for it. Pull, pull, pull!" Jonah put his mouth to the glass opening and sucked the air through.

At last, the third hand moved and slid the honey-like substance onto the metal head. With a hissing sound, it evaporated within moments and rushed through the bong in the form of a thick white smoke straight into Jonah's lungs.

Jonah sat there with his eyes wide open, detached his mouth from the bong and let the smoke slowly escape from his lungs. It formed a snow-white cloud that grew larger and larger above his head. It had left him speechless: the smoke was very flavorful and the effect seemed to be instantaneous. He already felt like he was on cloud nine and couldn't help grinning slightly.

Then suddenly, an incredible pressure and a violent scratching arose in his lungs. He coughed loudly and extensively. From the other side of the pool, he could hear his three companions laughing loudly. They were making fun of it and teasing him for seemingly acting like a rookie.

"HAHAHA, Dude, hilarious! You shouldn't have pulled it quite so hard and blown the smoke out right away. Otherwise you end up with coughing cramps like that. Should have told you, hahaha." Mr. Haze seemed most amused by Jonah's rookie mistake, but he didn't care. His brain was just drifting into completely different atmospheres.

A little blurry, he perceived his surroundings. Everything around him had become foggy. The dragon heads, Chi and Cho, were barely visible. Finally, his eyes rested on the Shiva-like Mr. Haze. His now countless hands waved various smoking paraphernalia through the air while two of them rolled a joint in front of his chest.

"Well, boy, now that you are here at last, we can finally start the tour. After all, I didn't bring you here for nothing." Mr. Haze's arms rustled back to their original shape with cracking and crashing sounds. He stretched, then leaned back and glared at Jonah with his red eyes.

"Tell me, boy, what do you feel?" he hissed through the mist. Jonah was still spaced out and answered the first thing that came to mind. "I feel wet. My clothes are literally dripping." Mr. Haze laughed out loud, "Yeah boy, but why is that?"

Jonah pondered, his thoughts slipping away again and again, but finally he answered, "Humidity?"

Mr. Haze clapped his hands. "Bravo, bravo. That's right, everything around you here is water vapor. A fine mist of tiny water particles, floating through the air."

"Yeah man, water vapor is totally our thing, yeah." "Yeah man, me so whoosh and you so waaah! We really got it going on, man." Chi and Cho's voices sounded a little muffled, as if their lungs were filled with smoke - which they probably were.

Mr. Haze rolled his eyes and shredded the sea of mist with a mighty hand gesture. The fine haze rushed quickly away in all directions, as if a gigantic flap of wings had driven them away. When it had all dispersed, Mr. Haze stood up and placed his hands on each of the heads. "Basically, they are right, but the language … Jesus. So, Cho is responsible for the water, Chi for the heat. They create the humidity we need in our facility here."

Jonah looked at him in wonder. "A plant?" Puzzled, he looked around but could see nothing like that. Mr. Haze grinned at him, then made another hand gesture behind him and a long stone staircase became visible. It ran in a dense forest of thick lianas and tree vines. They all converged like a kind of roof from a certain point. At the end of the stairs, a massive wooden door could be seen. Apparently, this was what Mr. Haze had meant by the facility.

"C'mon dude, let's go. Just walk through the water, it's not deep." Jonah instinctively took off his shoes, stood up and moved somewhat shakily towards the pool of water reflecting in front of him. Carefully, he put one foot in the basin and felt how warm the water was. It was almost hot. Just as he reached the middle of the pool, he felt the warmth the most.

The water felt so good that he moved very slowly towards the other side. Once there, he was impatiently pulled out of the water by his companion. Together they walked up the stone stairs to the large wooden gate.

"What do you think, when does a plant need particularly high humidity?" Jonah shrugged his shoulders. "Well, I guess just about all the time, don't they?"

"Möööööp!" Mr. Haze slapped him on the forehead with the palm of his hand. "Wrong, my dude. They only need the high humidity in the seedling and growing stages. If you have high humidity during flowering, it's all going to get moldy, isn't it? But cuttings need the highest humidity."

With these words he opened the large gate wings and a pleasant warm light shone towards them. "Welcome to my Kindergarten," said Mr. Haze Amaze as he strolled along the path with his arms spread wide. Before them stretched a vast green space, crisscrossed by several watercourses, small aqueducts and several glass pavilions. Close to them stood one of these large pavilions. Its windows were fogged up from the inside and one could not see what was hidden inside. But Jonah was about to find out because Mr. Haze had once again dashed forward and was waiting at the pavilion like an impatient child. Next to the pavilion was a glass booth. It reminded Jonah of a telephone booth.

Mr. Haze opened the door of the narrow booth and made a welcoming gesture. "'Please get in for one minute. It's just for plant safety." Jonah stopped skeptically in front of the door and peered inside the booth. He knew Mr. Haze had never done anything bad to him before, but still this glass box with a shower head looked very ominous.

With a push, Mr. Haze transported him inside, closed the door and pressed a button on the outside of the glass box. With a rushing sound, a wet white mist shot out of the shower head and filled the entire cubicle within seconds.

"Don't breathe in, boy." He heard Mr. Haze shout maliciously from outside.

A few seconds later the steam flow dried up and Mr. Haze opened the door. Gasping, Jonah rushed out. "Shit man, what was that all about!"

Mr. Haze chuckled. "Don't be such a pussy. I only disinfected you once thoroughly. You have to be very careful to be germ-free in each room."

Jonah gave him a sinister look. "A warning would have been nice, as always," he grumbled. Mr. Haze laughed spitefully. "But then it's a lot less fun." Laughing, he put a hand on the door handle of the pavilion.

They entered the room and a humid warmth flowed towards them. Above them towered a glass dome, supported by metal pillars that kept the structure in the air. In front of them stretched an enormous number of pots in which just as many small cannabis plants were growing. They were all accurately arranged and sorted from small to large. In the middle of the room was a huge cannabis tree that reached up to the glass ceiling. However, it looked quite bare and did not look as if it could blossom again.

"Welcome to the Cutting Room." Mr. Haze Amaze walked in front of Jonah, arms wide open, deeper into the foggy room. Jonah now understood what Mr. Haze had alluded to when he had talked about high humidity: the water was running off his forehead and the first drops were already forming on his arm and leg hair.

"Like I said, cuttings need high humidity. Do you know why?"

Jonah just shrugged again, he had no clue. Mr. Haze shook his head discouraged. Then he bent down and pointed to one of the smallest cannabis plants out of its container.

"Look. This cutting is still very fresh." With those words, he pulled the petite plant out of its substrate. "What do you notice? What's different here from a seedling?"

Jonah pondered, but then the most obvious thing caught his eye directly. "Well, they don't have roots." And no sooner had he uttered that sentence than the ball had started rolling.

"Aha. Because they have no roots, they have to draw the water they need to grow from the air. And of course they can only do that if there's enough moisture floating in the air."

Mr. Haze applauded. "Mmmh not quite right. Plants sweat out their water when it is dry. This in turn means that a plant will release less water in a humid environment. And it is precisely this water that is not released that the cuttings can use for their growth. But now let's have a closer look." He put the little plant back in its container and put his hands to his big mouth. "CHI! CHO! Back to work!"

A loud roar could be heard from the distance and only a few minutes later it was clearly noticeable how the temperature and humidity rose. Visible water vapor was pouring out from directly between the containers and spreading around them.

Mr. Haze clapped his hands loudly twice and the flow dried up. "And the great thing is, through this beautiful greenhouse, the humidity doesn't go outside either." Jonah frowned. "But won't everything in here start to mold then?" he asked skeptically.

Mr. Haze nodded. "That's right, my boy. And that's why we have to make sure there's air turbulence in here, too." He clenched his teeth and whistled through his gaps. A chirping sounded and echoed through the room. Then silence fell again. But a short time later, the pitter-patter of tiny claws and loud frantic chirping could be heard coming from the direction where the large cannabis tree stood.

A flock of small brown birds about the size of a fist came fluttering and chirping towards the two. They scattered everywhere among the small plants, carefully pulling them out of the containers with their beaks and carrying them each one row further back. These cuttings had already formed roots.

Another group of birds flew up and down the cuttings. They cut off parts of the leaves with their thin beaks, while others below caught the cuttings and took them away. Jonah noticed that a lot of the larger plants had their leaves cut in half. There was a flurry of activity that Jonah could feel a breeze blowing through the pavilion. The sheer quantity and movement of the small birds was enough to circulate the air and thus spread the moisture throughout the room again.

"Could it be that your little birds are damaging the plants? There's all these half leaves and they're chopping some off the others too." Mr. Haze waved it off. "Oh, poppycock. The cuttings often don't have enough strength to take care of the big leaves. If you cut their leaves in half, they need less energy and stimulate growth. They will very quickly form new leaves to match their size."

Some of the small birds went to work on the big tree. They cut off individual branches and flew with them in their beaks to a stone bird bath set up near the big tree. They dipped the endings of the cuttings into it and fluttered to one of the empty containers to put them in.

Standing next to the bird bath, Jonah looked skeptically at the viscous substance that filled the basin. It had a strange color and an even stranger smell. When the birds stuck the ends of the cut shoots into it, some of the jelly-like liquid stuck to it.

"Don't touch it! Otherwise, you might grow some extra fingers, hahaha." Mr. Haze stepped up beside him and pointed at the liquid in the bird bath. "Although a few extra feet, or at least toes, would make more sense." Pondering, he scratched his chin.

"What exactly is that?" asked Jonah.

"That, my friend, are rooting hormones. The little ladies here need them to grow roots faster: Bigger, better, stronger. This one is a secret formula. But I can tell you this much: It's mostly willow water and algae powder." He tapped a finger into the liquid and pulled out a long, slippery thread. "You could do it without this stuff here, but it would take a lot longer. So, why be stingy with assistance?" Mr. Haze laughed and patted Jonah on the shoulder. "Besides, you know me. I'm impatience personified. Speaking of which, come on, I want you to meet their mom."

Gracefully, Mr. Haze and Jonah approached the large tree. Mr. Haze gently slid his white gloves over the bark. "Magnificent, isn't it? A constant cycle and all plants will be the same. This mother tree is really something very special."

"Mother tree?" asked Jonah, a little confused. Mr. Haze tapped the bark of the large cannabis tree. "Yes, a mother plant. This plant has been growing for several years, but it will never go into flower. So it continues to produce sprouts, which my little helpers cut off and use to produce new cuttings. And did you know that such cuttings all grow the same because of their genetic disposition? This is due to the fact that they all come from the same mother. According to the motto: "Show me what your mama gave you. Fascinating."

Now that Mr. Haze had mentioned it, it struck Jonah that the plants were indeed all almost identically sized and vegetated. He hadn't realized that it was really so easy to have consistent growth and continuous production of new plants.

"Come on, let's move to the next room. We have two more to explore." With those words, Mr. Haze sprinted ahead to the door. Jonah followed him, still amazed at the unique facility and its feathered staff.

They walked again a few meters through the cultivation facility located in the jungle until they arrived at the nearest of the pavilions. The windows were tinted black, barely allowing a ray of light to penetrate inside. Mr. Haze held a finger to his mouth. "Silent now, they babies are asleep." Chuckling softly, he opened the door of the pavilion and they stepped inside.

Inside it was pitch black and the air smelled of warm earth. Mr. Haze snapped his fingers. A green glowing orb rose into the air and hovered around his head. The green light minimally illuminated the room, but now Jonah could make out what was around him.

Several stone raised beds, reaching up to his knees, formed a large labyrinth built in a circle around the center of the pavilion. All were filled with dark, loose soil and looked like tilled miniature fields. Attached to each of the beds was a sign.

"This is the Breeding Room. Hidden under this soil are countless exquisite cannabis seeds. They all lie snug and warm in complete darkness. They are just waiting to put all their energy into their birth." Mr. Haze whispered. "Under the beds runs a system of tunnels through which warm air is conducted. Who needs a heating pad?"

Jonah looked closely at one of the signs. Written on it was the name of a strain, its characteristics, and the date it was planted.

Mr. Haze dug around in his jacket pocket and revealed a seed. Carefully, he took it between his thumb and forefinger. Then he held it up to Jonah.

"Can you tell me where is back and front? Then I'll tell you another little secret for optimal germination." Jonah took a closer look at the seed. It had a smooth, sandy to dark brown, marbled surface and ran slightly pointed together at the end. On the other side, there was a somewhat flattened area. It was reminiscent of the spot on a fruit where it had been picked.

"I'd say the flat part is the back end where the seed was separated from the flower?" Jonah shrugged, as he had to guess. But he seemed to be right because Mr. Haze nodded eagerly.

"Right you are. And now for the secret: When you plant a seed, you always have to keep in mind that Mother Nature decided to make the first radicle grow out of the pointed side in a U-shape. If you turn the seed around, it will grow like a small 'n'. That's why you must always plant the seed with the flat side down. That way the radicle can grow out of the pointy side and then down into the substrate."

Jonah looked at him in wonder. "But then the plant does grow downward. Isn't that counter-productive?"

"You might think so, but it's not correct. By growing its root downward in an arc, the seedling has a firm footing to push the seed upward like a catapult - off through the soil layer."

Mr. Haze grabbed the floating ball of light and moved it closer to one of the beds. A few seconds later, Jonah could see the earth begin to stir in one spot. Slowly, a seed emerged. It pushed through the layer of soil and gradually straightened up. Then it split in half and a few pale green cotyledons became visible. They still bore a thin covering, which got ripped further apart millimeter by millimeter.

Mr. Haze had crouched down and was looking at the little plant in love. "Finally, she sees the light of the world. Very soon, she and some others will be going out into the light." For a moment longer, they watched the seedling grow until Mr. Haze jumped back to his feet. "Do you want to see the way the seeds are formed, too?"

Jonah gave a shrug, then nodded. "Sure, why not?" Mr. Haze was all smiling over his green face and grabbed him by the hand. "Alright, let's go. We're going to check out the Harem. Admission only for 18 and up." He chuckled lowly again and they walked past the large flower beds through another door. And another. And then another. There seemed to be no end to the doors. But finally Mr. Haze opened the last door.

Now they were standing in a dimly lit room in which a green sea of flowering plants stretched out. They were estimated to be in the 3-4 week flowering stage. Jonah could tell by the tiny flower sprouts and white hairs. In the center of the room was another single giant plant, but it looked different from the other tree-like plant he had seen so far. This one carried small green sacs instead of flowers.

"Look at that manly man, with all his ladies. This here is the father of all our seeds in the other room, a male cannabis plant. And look at his pollen sacs, bulging and about to burst. We men are all kind of the same, aren't we?" Mr. Haze laughed uproariously and grabbed his crotch.

Seeing Jonah eyeing the tree and the pollen sacks skeptically, he led him closer. "Well, you know there are male and female cannabis plants. The males produce pollen and pollinate the females. They then produce seeds in their flowers. That's also why I have to seal it off behind dozens of doors here. If his pollen got into one of the other halls or one of my realms, the whole crop would be ruined."

Jonah remembered. It was precisely for this reason that when choosing seeds, one always had to make sure to sow feminized seeds, i.e. seeds that consistently produce female plants. A single male plant is capable of pollinating an entire cannabis field, causing the plants to produce seeds instead of juicy flowers.

Mr. Haze smacked the bark of the plant and a huge cloud of yellow pollen dust formed in the air and slowly trickled down onto them and the plants.

"This is going to take a few more weeks now and then we'll have a new gigantic supply of seeds here. One plant alone can drop several thousand seeds at average size. Fantastic, isn't it? Always enough seeds for me."

Unannounced, he grabbed Jonah and pulled him across the room, through all the doors and back out into the open. "Come on, come on, we don't got much time left."

The lights had already dimmed a bit and the facility was glowing a dark orange. Comfortably, they settled down on a stone bench near the pavilion.

"One thing you should always keep in mind as your plants germinate and go through their first few weeks: No matter how you get them to grow, get them in a protected environment, like these pavilions. The little ones are at their weakest and most vulnerable in their growing-up phase. A safe, well-ventilated and well-tempered environment is key. Or why do you think everything is flourishing in that palm garden you're sitting in?"

Jonah remembered again. He had been in the palm garden with Eve before he had met Mr. Haze. Had he fallen asleep there?

"And now it's your turn. Show me what you've learned." Mr. Haze had pulled a cannabis seed from his jacket pocket and placed it in Jonah's hand. "Show me what you can." Mr. Haze patted him on the shoulder and laughed. Then, out of nowhere, he whipped out a joint, stuck it in his wide grin, and took a deep drag. He inhaled a massive snow-white cloud right into Jonah's face.

Jonah coughed and couldn't make out anything, when suddenly the green grimace appeared right in front of him and winked at him mischievously. Then a white glove sped through the dense wall of white smoke and hissed across Jonah's cheek with a loud clap. "Wake up, buddy!"

Jonah startled. All at once, Jonah was back in the palm garden. Eve sat next to him on the bench and patted his shoulder. "You really did fall asleep. Sweet."

She stood up and held out her hand to him. "Come on, let's keep going, they'll be closing soon."

Jonah smiled sheepishly. As he was about to stand up, he noticed that he had clenched his right hand into a fist. He opened it and discovered a rolled-up cannabis leaf in his palm. Like a flower, it unfolded to reveal a seed. It was golden brown, slightly marbled, with a few black spots, and it shone in the dim light of the palm house.

Jonah looked at it for a moment and smirked. He tucked it gingerly into his breast pocket. At home, he would germinate it and grow it into a healthy plant.